Bring back þorn!

No, not porn – þat is alive and well – I mean the letter þorn.

Þorn was part of þe Old English alphabet and, unlike in Icelandic, could represent eiþer of our modern th sounds. Alþough two ‘special’ characters – eth and wynn – died out relatively quickly, þorn and long s survived: long s until Victorian times and þorn into þe Middle English period; even þough its use was þen largely restricted to short þ words and standard abbreviations.

All þose ‘Ye Olde Teashoppes’ are in fact using a late form of þorn, which became almost indistinguishable from y, alþough it was still pronounced þ.

Why bring back þorn?

First and foremost, þorn is just plain cool.

Most oþer European languages are livened up by a sprinkling of ticks, hats and swooshes. English has noþing. But we don’t need to be a plain jane – we can have þorn.

Þorn is also environmentally friendly.

Th is a common combination in þe English language, as it is used in so many common words, such as þe, þis, þat, þem and þen . Using t plus h takes up twice þe space of using þ.

A quick analysis of some English texts shows þat an average of 3–4 per cent of þe characters (including white spaces) are taken up by t and h in þe combination th.

Analysis of a random novel shows þat 3.9 per cent of its characters form part of a th combination. Replace þese wiþ þorn and þe total number of characters will be reduced by 2 per cent. In a 340-page novel, þis equates to a saving of about seven whole pages.

Þink of þe number of books published in þe English language every year and you will see þat þorn is the tree messiah.

I þink þat þis discovery now obligates me to run for parliament – or at least appear on Late Night Wiþ Conan O’Brien.